Unkind

2015-Feb-21, Saturday 11:17 am
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
[personal profile] thisisdesire
Some days you wake up just knowing that it's gonna be good. You feel rested and fresh. Your skin does not have that burning dry feeling that you generally wake up to before applying the requisite 3-4 coats of St. Ives OMG-This-Shit-Is-For-Real Mega-Super Lotion for Severely Dry Skin. Your hair does what it's supposed to with minimal effort. Your clothes fit right, concealing and revealing exactly as they are meant to. You feel truly beautiful. The birds are singing and you aren't even bothered by the sun shining (because presumably you are like me and cannot fucking abide bright shiny days, but prefer that they be cloudy and overcast).

I'm sure you know where this is going.
Yeah. Today is not that day.

Clothes not working, breasts spilling out of ill-fitting-too-goddamn-small-bra, uterus in revolt, hair wild and unkempt and nothing to be done. At one point I stood in front of my mirror and stared at my body, half-naked from the waste down, and tried to reconcile myself with this image that I have been staring at for years, but still seems so foreign to me.

I feel no connection to this vehicle yet I feel like it owns me.

I wanted to close my eyes but forced myself to keep them open. I imagined seeing the same shape lovingly. I heard all the critical voices in my head screaming that there was too much of me. That the space that my thighs, ass, and belly occupy would prevent anyone from ever loving me again or even really wanting to know me. I screamed inwardly for the voices to stop. I lifted my belly (cause, yeah, I can do that) and willed myself to see it differently. I looked at my face, all twisted up in disgust and waited for the moment to end, but it kept on because I had not yet done what I needed to do.

I softened my gaze before finally allowing my eyes to close and stopped myself from snatching up my phone or calling out to the girl-child to have someone to complain to about my unfortunate lack of anything resembling attractiveness or self-esteem. I stopped myself and thought about how I don't want to infect anyone else with my shitty attitude and how it is no one else's job to be my antidote. Then I thought that the last thing my daughter needs is to hear me bitch more about my body image when I am trying to help her feel better about her own. I thought about the fact that it is okay to reach out, but I need to start actively practicing self-love and acceptance instead of running on automatic pilot to anyone and everyone who might provide me with a moments distraction.

I want to stop looking outside of myself for love and validation.

This is pretty basic stuff, territory that has been very well covered, but I'm still working it out. I am still piecing together my 30 day plan-o-action for Radical Unapologetic Healing. In the mean the mean time I intend to address each moment as it comes in the best way that I know how.

Today, my accomplishment is in the absence of action as I refuse to let my daughter hear me utter a single unkind word to or about myself.
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thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
thisisdesire

July 2015

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