2015-Jun-18, Thursday 07:42 pm
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
I am backsliding. I have not exercised in at least three days. My body hurts and all I want to do is sleep and NOT brush my teeth. I am resisting the urge to use every enormously fucked up thing about my unfortunate yet extremely privileged existence as an excuse to hide in a little blanket nest and tell the whole of the world to fuck off.

I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to wail and moan and do desperate things.
I want to spit in the face of everyone who uses the word "normal" and doesn't seem to understand that they are actively othering all of the people who fall into the category of "not".
I want to find peace. small, medium, and large sized pieces of it.
I want to get this goddamn red dye off my face and find some fucking cream to powder foundation that blends properly.
I want to stop trying to educate and inform people who have no desire to learn and grow..
I want to hand out little cards that say something like "Whoops! Your privilege just fell out!" with links to prevent similar situations in the future.
I want to make more cards that use phrases like "douche bag", "dudebro" and "showing your ass".
I want to be functional and powerful and strong.
I want someone to bring me coffee in bed. Every. Goddamn. Day.

I want to feel like I am worthwhile. Like I have something to offer the world.

It is now many hours later. I have done all of the laying around and sleeping. My back hurts. I have one goal for today and that is to force myself up out of this house for my walk this evening. I feel very much like I am stuck in some sort of dark tunnel. There is no light. I only know it's a tunnel because it's familiar in all of the horrible ways that tell me I have been here before and the only way out is through.


thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)

July 2015

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