I am having a rough day. I am telling myself that it's okay. I can still turn this day around and make it something positive. I really just want to go back to sleep or lay down and spend the whole day crying and sobbing, but I did that for a very long time and nothing ever got better.
My laptop died and I am having trouble being adaptable. I am worried that I may have lost a bunch of information for my college application and am trying not to catastrophize. Lots of shitty body image thoughts over the last two days and have really just been treading water with that. I haven't gotten much farther than telling myself "that's just bullshit". So, hear goes:
I am a good person.
I have value simply because I exist.
I do not have to be pretty or attractive or beautiful for anyone, but I can be all of these things if I wish.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am smart.
I am kind, compassionate, and loving.
I am more than the sum of my shitty decisions. They do not define who I am. I have every single day to choose to do things differently.
I love myself. Just because. Because I deserve it. Not because of anything I have done or not done, but because I am a living thing with a soul and I deserve good things like everyone else.
My body shape does not define me.
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and no one shape or size is any more or less beautiful. Just different. Some may be more or less pleasing to others, but this is not my concern. What other people think of me is none of my business and it does not effect who I am.
The roundness of my arms, thighs, hips, and belly is soft and lovely and not anything to be ashamed of.
I love myself. Myself I love. I myself love. I love myself.
Over and over and over.
I hope these things begin to feel more true over time.
The next few questions for my RUHCUS project deal with acceptance, honour, and release. They are as follows:
Acceptance is understanding that my shitty body image has served me in some way.
12. List three things you have gained from having a shitty body image.
While I understand the purpose of this exercise I am having a really difficult time figuring out what to put here...
1. I have gained an understanding about the sort of privilege that can go along with being thin or beautiful in ways that are well known and accepted by the majority and even particular sub groups.
There are a number of situations where I am treated differently or completely ignored and I realize that there have been times in my life when I have behaved this way with other people. No one deserves to feel like they are less than and I don't want to be that sort of person.
I am not coming up with any other way that this has served my. I will give it some more thought, but do not want to force it, so I am going to move on for the time being.
Honour allows us to realize that the thing in the box (my shitty body image) was born out of truth. It was something I developed because I needed it for survival.
List two ways having a shitty body image has served you.
1. It has humbled me.
2. It has kept my arrogance and narcissism in check and forced me to accept that other parts of me are just as important, if not more so, than my physical appearance.
List two ways having a shitty body image has protected you.
My therapist insists that it has protected me from certain types of assholes. However, I have managed to not only find, but seek out a number of assholes all by my onesie, so I think that's total crap. She also says that it can be a way of insulating yourself from the rest of the world and while this may be true, I do not feel like this protected me at all as being isolated contributed to extreme feelings of unworthiness and led to want of death.
The only other thing that I can think of to put here is that as having a shitty body image has kept me from participating in a number of situations where danger may or may not have been laying in wait. However, that is pretty slim. Having a shitty body image has not protected me from horrible people as horrible people are often even more interested in folks with self esteem issues as they are often easier to manipulate or control. So, since I don't particularly feel like I have been protected by having a shitty body image I can safely say that I have even more reason to let this shit go.
Release allows us to see that the thing in the box is not serving us anymore and take our power back.
List four things you would do if your shitty body image no longer had power.
1. I would be able to see myself as strong, capable, empowered and beautiful regardless of what my physical appearance may or may not be on any given day. I would understand that my physical representation does not touch the core of who I really am.
2. I would be able to take compliments and pictures and look into mirrors without cringing and verbally abusing my beautiful self.
3. Poetry and roller derby, baby.
4. This one is really hard to acknowledge and admit to, but the point is honesty and transparency, so here goes: I would stop allowing unworthy douchebags into my orbit because I would no longer believe that they are all I deserve. I would know with absolute certainty that I deserve better and would not settle.
I need to take a minute to let that sink in.
So, I had to run around the house and do shit for a bit while I was dealing with the fact that I am mighty. I never really know how long those feelings will last at this juncture, so I have to take advantage of them while I can.
Now we are moving on to the actual ceremony planning bit of this little adventure. I am very much wanting to hear from folks regarding schedules and availability. I would like to do it on a Saturday and am thinking of using the Unitarian Church. There will essentially be two parts to this gathering: ceremonial (symbolic/visual, and tactile. For the ceremonial aspect I am pretty much going to crib off of the example on the worksheet because it just fits so very well.
In a bowl I will have written on separate slips of paper all the reasons I adopted the issue I am wanting healing from: what do I feel like it gave me? What historical pains are attached to it? In the presence of he group I will read aloud each sheet of paper. After each one i will say aloud how it is no longer serving me. I will then pass a basket around and each person in the ceremony will take one of the slips , rip it, while stating that they wish to release me from whatever is on the sheet. Ex:"today I release you from...words of shame that were spoken to you as a teenager. I replace it with a belief that you are whole, vibrant, and loved." Each person in the space will do this in their own words. At the end I will burn the ripped sheets of paper and toast to my journey of healing.
The tactile aspect is going to involve a group art project. We are going to decoupage a mirror and put the power of our positive energy to work making something beautiful to remind myself that I am beautiful every time I use it. We will be using whatever magazines, paper, and other materials we can collectively scrounge up. I am thinking of making this a potluck situation as it would be nice if we could all share some snacks and comfort drinks while honoring, celebrating and playing together.
Now I need to address one last thing. Parts of me are feeling pretty selfish about this part of it, like I am asking too much of my people by asking them to take time out of their lives to show up, support me, bring some food, and make some funky art that only I get to keep. There is part of me that doesn't feel worthy of so much time and attention being focused only on ME. and I think that is part of why I need to do it. To look those feelings in the face, acknowledge them, and counter it with something loving, kind, and compassionate. I need to acknowledge that *I* am just as worthy of those things as everyone else. I have invited all those I love and respect to take part in my self-destruction. Why can't I invite you to be a part of my recovery? I am in no way asking any of you to do the work for me, but I need to be SEEN and I need to be known for something other than my flaws. I would be willing to do this for any one of you. Truthfully, I think I would be willing to do this for a total stranger or someone that I haven't spoken with for years and may not even like. It's that important. So, thank you, again. I still feel selfish. I still feel like an attention whore. and I am still absolutely going to see this through.