Be

This day blows. To be fair, I've felt that way about most days for the last ever, but have somehow managed to turn many of them around here lately. The whole of today has not been hammered shit, but it has certainly had it's moments. Like now, when I am feeling very much like I am not enough and never will be as long as I continue to exist in a world that assigns value arbitrarily to those who are properly proportionate. Whatever the hell that means.
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Today, I had the privilege of listening to an incredibly beautiful woman talk about how fat she was. This was certainly not the first time that's happened, but for the first time that I can remember I allowed myself to step back and watch my thoughts about it as they stomped through my brain. I got angry and uncomfortable. I thought - if she feels that way about herself, then I must be the world's most unattractive woman by comparison, and in that split second I blamed her for all of it. I blamed her for her beauty and her oblivion and held her responsible for all the wrongs of the world. SHE was the reason that I felt so horrible. Who gave HER the right to question her appearance? to find fault with herself? and to not only imagine it into existence (I mean, seriously, there was absolutely nothing wrong with this woman! What fun house mirror had she been using?) but to speak it out loud so that anyone else who hears will be given the gift of not measuring up?

Of course I had to laugh at how completely ridiculous I was being. I am not the only human who is allowed to feel inadequate and covet the unrealistic ideal. Everyone gets to play. We are all entitled to doubt, pick apart, and find fault with ourselves as often as we like and as loud as we wish. Exercising that right by no means makes her a terrible person. However, I realized something that had really never occurred to me before - that when I say horrible things about my appearance I am potentially infecting the air of anyone within earshot. I am telling them that regardless of whether or not THEY find me attractive or interesting, they had better think again, because that is clearly not the case. I am hopelessly flawed and their judgment is irrevocably fucked and if they can be so wrong about me then they probably haven't taken the time to properly consider how completely disgusting THEY are and they should really just go home, lock the door, get into some sweats, AND NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN!!!...

...okay, so, maybe I'm not so powerful that I can incite random bursts of agoraphobic badness in total strangers on the strength of my own self-loathing. However, I am absolutely powerful enough to encourage anyone who hears me body shame myself to do the same thing. Because they find me more attractive than they do themselves, and if I'm ugly and gross, then they are obviously worse, so they must be an absolute eyesore. Because down playing your beauty is a thing that keeps you humble (until you really start to believe it). Because movies and magazines and celebrities and t.v. Because we are all supposed to talk about these things because we're human. Because mob mentality. Because I don't know where to draw the line between my right to bitch about my body and your right to live free of my expectations. Because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Because because because because because.

Because. Bullshit. I deserve better. YOU deserve better. So, regardless of how I might feel about myself in this transitional period, I'm pretty sure I'm done saying horrible things about myself to anyone at all. Because I don't just want to SEE some better examples.

I want to BE one.