thisisdesire (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thisisdesire) wrote2015-03-11 04:25 pm
thisisdesire) wrote2015-03-11 04:25 pm
Entry tags:
Not Myself
I had to leave my volunteer job early today because I kept falling asleep at my desk while trying to type. Sleep at night like most humans? Of course not. Sleep any other time when I have shit to do? Absolutely!
What. The Actual. Fuck.
I'm angry as hell today. My positive body image exercises can suck it. I just want to be able to sleep for more than 2-4 hours at a goddamn time, have a fucking bra that actually fits, and dye my goddamn hair so that I can start to vaguely resemble the person I feel like inside myself.
I'm SO tired!!!!
and no amount of rest seems to make it better. I'm just going to have to find ways to cope and make arrangements to see a doctor. I am also going to have to not use this as an excuse to let myself off the hook.
I am whole, perfect, strong, and capable.
I am resilient, creative, and fabulous as fuck.
Regardless of how I may look or feel - I am NOT the essence of all things frumpy and boring and hopeless.
There will be days when I have energy and am able to think clearly.
There will be days when I can look in the mirror without flinching, cringing, or wanting to break it.
and I'm STILL not going to say this shit out loud where my kid can hear it.
and I STILL need some better shit to say to my lovely wonderful daughter when she tells me that she feels bad because she feels so overweight.
I STILL feel like I am failing her.
I wish I could have any one of the things that would be a comfort to me, but maybe it wouldn't matter, anyway. Today, I am a covetous thing, jealous of everything and everyone who has any sort of advantage over me with regard to functionality, physical appearance, or love. I don't like myself this way and need a distraction.
I gotta clean something.
What. The Actual. Fuck.
I'm angry as hell today. My positive body image exercises can suck it. I just want to be able to sleep for more than 2-4 hours at a goddamn time, have a fucking bra that actually fits, and dye my goddamn hair so that I can start to vaguely resemble the person I feel like inside myself.
I'm SO tired!!!!
and no amount of rest seems to make it better. I'm just going to have to find ways to cope and make arrangements to see a doctor. I am also going to have to not use this as an excuse to let myself off the hook.
I am whole, perfect, strong, and capable.
I am resilient, creative, and fabulous as fuck.
Regardless of how I may look or feel - I am NOT the essence of all things frumpy and boring and hopeless.
There will be days when I have energy and am able to think clearly.
There will be days when I can look in the mirror without flinching, cringing, or wanting to break it.
and I'm STILL not going to say this shit out loud where my kid can hear it.
and I STILL need some better shit to say to my lovely wonderful daughter when she tells me that she feels bad because she feels so overweight.
I STILL feel like I am failing her.
I wish I could have any one of the things that would be a comfort to me, but maybe it wouldn't matter, anyway. Today, I am a covetous thing, jealous of everything and everyone who has any sort of advantage over me with regard to functionality, physical appearance, or love. I don't like myself this way and need a distraction.
I gotta clean something.