thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-03-11 04:25 pm
Entry tags:

Not Myself

I had to leave my volunteer job early today because I kept falling asleep at my desk while trying to type. Sleep at night like most humans? Of course not. Sleep any other time when I have shit to do? Absolutely!

What. The Actual. Fuck.

I'm angry as hell today. My positive body image exercises can suck it. I just want to be able to sleep for more than 2-4 hours at a goddamn time, have a fucking bra that actually fits, and dye my goddamn hair so that I can start to vaguely resemble the person I feel like inside myself.

I'm SO tired!!!!

and no amount of rest seems to make it better. I'm just going to have to find ways to cope and make arrangements to see a doctor. I am also going to have to not use this as an excuse to let myself off the hook.

I am whole, perfect, strong, and capable.
I am resilient, creative, and fabulous as fuck.
Regardless of how I may look or feel - I am NOT the essence of all things frumpy and boring and hopeless.
There will be days when I have energy and am able to think clearly.
There will be days when I can look in the mirror without flinching, cringing, or wanting to break it.
and I'm STILL not going to say this shit out loud where my kid can hear it.
and I STILL need some better shit to say to my lovely wonderful daughter when she tells me that she feels bad because she feels so overweight.
I STILL feel like I am failing her.

I wish I could have any one of the things that would be a comfort to me, but maybe it wouldn't matter, anyway. Today, I am a covetous thing, jealous of everything and everyone who has any sort of advantage over me with regard to functionality, physical appearance, or love. I don't like myself this way and need a distraction.

I gotta clean something.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-03-02 10:07 pm
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God Bless Spock

I caught myself starring at the ground today while walking down the street and forced myself to straighten up and walk tall. I thought, if I couldn't manage to feel good about myself, at least I could fake it until the feel good part came back.

I looked in the mirror and acknowledged all the shitty things that typically happen inside me when I linger in front of a reflective surface. I smiled and thought nice things mostly for practice. I thought:

You're beautiful.
It's okay. You're okay.
You are more than this body and this skin, but there is nothing wrong with this body or this skin.

I thought:

God bless Spock and his nude pictures of big women.

I'm sure I thought other things, as well, but my poor little brain is just not having it today.

Yesterday the kiddo was feeling self conscious about her stomach, so I leaned over and told her stomach (in a very deep and melodramatic voice) that it was absolutely lovely and should never let anyone tell it different. Then I said something similar to my own belly, you know, so it wouldn't be weird...

I am still managing to avoid saying unkind things about my body, though I have been thinking a lot about my last post and am worried that I wasn't clear in my meaning. See, it's not that I am judging anyone for having unkind thoughts about themselves, or for verbalizing those thoughts. I am just becoming aware of how easy it can be for us to reinforce unrealistic expectations with ourselves, our children, our friends and loved ones, and nearly anyone else we encounter, and rather than feed into that, I would very much like to find kind and compassionate ways to counteract it. Even if that means that the kindest and most compassionate thing I can do is remain silent when I feel like ass.

That's pretty much all for tonight folks. I hope to have better things to say very soon.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-25 09:59 pm


This day blows. To be fair, I've felt that way about most days for the last ever, but have somehow managed to turn many of them around here lately. The whole of today has not been hammered shit, but it has certainly had it's moments. Like now, when I am feeling very much like I am not enough and never will be as long as I continue to exist in a world that assigns value arbitrarily to those who are properly proportionate. Whatever the hell that means.
Today, I had the privilege of listening to an incredibly beautiful woman talk about how fat she was. This was certainly not the first time that's happened, but for the first time that I can remember I allowed myself to step back and watch my thoughts about it as they stomped through my brain. I got angry and uncomfortable. I thought - if she feels that way about herself, then I must be the world's most unattractive woman by comparison, and in that split second I blamed her for all of it. I blamed her for her beauty and her oblivion and held her responsible for all the wrongs of the world. SHE was the reason that I felt so horrible. Who gave HER the right to question her appearance? to find fault with herself? and to not only imagine it into existence (I mean, seriously, there was absolutely nothing wrong with this woman! What fun house mirror had she been using?) but to speak it out loud so that anyone else who hears will be given the gift of not measuring up?

Of course I had to laugh at how completely ridiculous I was being. I am not the only human who is allowed to feel inadequate and covet the unrealistic ideal. Everyone gets to play. We are all entitled to doubt, pick apart, and find fault with ourselves as often as we like and as loud as we wish. Exercising that right by no means makes her a terrible person. However, I realized something that had really never occurred to me before - that when I say horrible things about my appearance I am potentially infecting the air of anyone within earshot. I am telling them that regardless of whether or not THEY find me attractive or interesting, they had better think again, because that is clearly not the case. I am hopelessly flawed and their judgment is irrevocably fucked and if they can be so wrong about me then they probably haven't taken the time to properly consider how completely disgusting THEY are and they should really just go home, lock the door, get into some sweats, AND NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN!!!...

...okay, so, maybe I'm not so powerful that I can incite random bursts of agoraphobic badness in total strangers on the strength of my own self-loathing. However, I am absolutely powerful enough to encourage anyone who hears me body shame myself to do the same thing. Because they find me more attractive than they do themselves, and if I'm ugly and gross, then they are obviously worse, so they must be an absolute eyesore. Because down playing your beauty is a thing that keeps you humble (until you really start to believe it). Because movies and magazines and celebrities and t.v. Because we are all supposed to talk about these things because we're human. Because mob mentality. Because I don't know where to draw the line between my right to bitch about my body and your right to live free of my expectations. Because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Because because because because because.

Because. Bullshit. I deserve better. YOU deserve better. So, regardless of how I might feel about myself in this transitional period, I'm pretty sure I'm done saying horrible things about myself to anyone at all. Because I don't just want to SEE some better examples.

I want to BE one.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-24 05:18 pm

In Case of Emergency...

Today has been about empowerment and the accomplishment of small goals that will absolutely add up over time.

In the last two days I have stopped in front of the mirror several times in order to compliment myself ("Holy crap! I'm GORGEOUS!") or to blow myself a kiss. I'm being pretty silly about it right now, but it is definitely a step in the right direction. The Offspring (the kid, not the band) has noticed and finds the whole thing terrifically amusing.

We sat down and had a conversation about body image and things that we can do to cultivate one that is loving and kind. She has decided to follow my lead as far as saying something nice to herself in the mirror everyday and we came up with a way for her to deal with any unfortunate body shamers that she might encounter. She is going to keep a few slips of paper with kind things on them in her pocket and whenever someone is being a shit for no good reason, she will give them one and affirm that they are worthy and do not need to make others feel bad so that they can feel good. Yes, we are both aware that this method involves a certain amount of condescension, but it beats the Hell out of slinking off, yelling, or hitting, while reinforcing that the problem lies with the shamer, not the one who is being shamed. I'm not sure how often she will feel comfortable actually doing this, but I really like the idea.

She also wants to make a scrapbook and make time once a week to put lipstick kisses in it and right compliments to ourselves and each other. She wants to take pictures and put them in there as well. I am so down.

I have taken 3 pictures over the last three days. My current technological situation has some issues with picture posting, so I will get to that as soon as it becomes possible. In the meantime, I will continue to flirt shamelessly with both my mirror and camera with the hope that we can take this stunning relationship to new and exciting places.

Today, I love myself with minimal effort. It is my hope that the seeds that are planted in these moments will carry me through darker days.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-22 09:57 pm
Entry tags:

Step 3

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming already in progress.

Step 3-Living in your RUHCUS in community.

17. Using the answer from question 10 and questions 3 and 4, create action goals for your RUHCUS project. They should be concrete and based in behaviors and actions, things you will DO over the next 30 days. Whenever possible try stating your goals in a positive i.e. Rather than "I will not talk poorly about my belly," you would write "I will speak positively about my belly for the next 30 days"

1. I will sit with my daughter and make lists of the things that we like about our bodies and tape them to the mirror so that we can see them every day.
2. I will move toward situations that make or have made me feel uncomfortable or less than in order to face my fear and teach myself that this is not the case.
3. I will watch positive body image videos and spoken word with my wonderful offspring.
4. I will take at least one picture of myself everyday and post them with my blogs as often as I am able.
5. I will say only positive things about my body unless I am discussing thoughts I am working through throughout this process, especially when in the company of other people.
6. Whenever I happen past a mirror I will say something kind or loving or blow myself a kiss.
7. When I am given a compliment I will smile and say thank you, rather than countering with something disparaging or dismissing it outright.
8 I will speak out against any form of body shaming I encounter regardless of who it's directed at or why. I will be kind, firm, and direct.
9. Whenever I catch myself having negative thoughts about my body, I will interrupt the thought and replace it with something kind and loving.

18. List 3 methods you can use to share your RUHCUS with the larger community.

1. I will blog about my experiences with unflinching honesty at least 4 times a week.

I am leaving the last two blank as I am honestly unsure of how else to go about sharing this. I am absolutely open to suggestions. :)

19. How often will you share your RUHCUS here?

I am saying at least 4 times a week, at minimum. However, I intend to exceed that as often as possible. I believe that transparency is a vital part of this project as it promotes accountability and strengthens my personal connections and ties to my community.

My RUHCUS start date is:

I was so anxious to begin this process that I sort of jumped the gun. I'm pretty sure I was meant to have all of the answers to these things written out and the ceremony all planned out before I ever started the process of documenting and sharing. So, I suppose it actually started February 16th. However, in the interest of being thorough, I intend to carry on for 30 days from the completion of this post.

From here on out things will be a lot less formal. I expect good days and bad and honestly look forward to both.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-22 06:00 pm
Entry tags:

RUHCUS Ceremony Goodness

The nice folks at West Wind Unitarian Universalist Church have agreed to let me use their building on Saturday, March 14th, from 1-5. This will be more than enough time. I would like to make it a potluck so that there will be plenty of food to be had while we are hanging out and working on the mirrors after the ceremonial portion. Yes, I said mirrors. I have decided that even though this RUHCUS is specifically about me, part of the point is to empower my daughter with the necessary tools with which to address these same issues in her own life. With that in mind I think we should decorate a mirror for her as well. She will be there, along with a couple of her friends, as I think it is important for young people to see this issue being addressed in a positive way. While this project is ABOUT me, it is not only FOR me, because as I become stronger and healthier I also become more able to serve in my community and interact with those I love in a kinder, more compassionate, and ever-more-intentional way.


Now. I am meant to be listing people I would like to be present at this intentionally created event. The who and the why:

Monkey of Mine - My daughter and the absolute love of my life. I can't imagine a single major event without her presence and have no desire to.

Alex - For all of the reasons I am not yet able to mention in this somewhat open forum. I know you will be with me in spirit even if you are unable to be physically present.

Krisna - I think of you as one of my best friends and absolutely want to share this very big and important thing with you.

Maka and Veni - You are my family. There will always be a seat for you at any table I occupy.

Cora - You have opened your home to me and mine and in so doing have made it a sort of spring board and stepping stone for my continued growth, development, and recovery. I am eternally grateful.

Kirsten - Our near instant adoption of each other has enriched my life in so many ways. I want to share all of my things with you, be they extremely important,less important, or absolutely ridiculous.

Bettie Rage - You are a fantastic example of tenacity and growth. You move and inspire me on a regular basis. Being your friend is both an honour and a privilege.

Sara, Brenda, and Debbie - Your ongoing friendship, support, and encouragement are a joy and a comfort. I have shared a great deal of my pain with you and would now like the opportunity to share my experiences of growth and recovery as I move through my personal Hell and come out the other side.

Maya and Orianna - Though I doubt you are reading this personally, I hope that your parents make you aware of how completely fabulous you are in nearly every way. I am so happy that my daughter has had the opportunity to know you both and have fantastically silly and important experiences with you. May you continue to grow together and enrich each others lives.

Susan - You have given me the gift of your time, patience, and wisdom. You are appreciated.

Carol - Your kindness and interest in my overall existence reminds me that I am worthy of such things. Thank you.

Andrea - You suck because you're not coming. Ha! I'm totally kidding. I suppose your daughter's engagement party is a an acceptable excuse for missing this very important life changing event of mine. I look forward to sharing more joyful moments with you.

Rea - Though you may or may not be present, you honour me with your respect and admiration. May I endeavor to deserve it.

Leigh - The fact that you see something worthwhile in me makes me feel good about who I am because I know that you don't care for most people. It's nice to feel special. I'm rather fond of you.

Adrian - I love you more than flavored condoms and cartoon mice! You have had a profound effect on my life. Get a house already so we can mail ourselves to you and get back to the business of doing amazing things together!

Kevin - You are lovely and kindred. That is all.

Jasmine - We don't know each other well, but you have been nothing but kind to me and I think this sort of thing should be shared with as many people as possible. Thank you for your continued support.

Sarah - You are a seriously hardcore force of nature. Thank you for sharing your stories and for taking an interest in me.

Well, I meant to get into some rather serious shit in this post, but am now feeling very much like an Oscar winner who has prattled on for so very much longer than necessary. Meh. There is always tomorrow.

Please let me know if you will be able to attend! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Over and out.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-21 11:17 am


Some days you wake up just knowing that it's gonna be good. You feel rested and fresh. Your skin does not have that burning dry feeling that you generally wake up to before applying the requisite 3-4 coats of St. Ives OMG-This-Shit-Is-For-Real Mega-Super Lotion for Severely Dry Skin. Your hair does what it's supposed to with minimal effort. Your clothes fit right, concealing and revealing exactly as they are meant to. You feel truly beautiful. The birds are singing and you aren't even bothered by the sun shining (because presumably you are like me and cannot fucking abide bright shiny days, but prefer that they be cloudy and overcast).

I'm sure you know where this is going.
Yeah. Today is not that day.

Clothes not working, breasts spilling out of ill-fitting-too-goddamn-small-bra, uterus in revolt, hair wild and unkempt and nothing to be done. At one point I stood in front of my mirror and stared at my body, half-naked from the waste down, and tried to reconcile myself with this image that I have been staring at for years, but still seems so foreign to me.

I feel no connection to this vehicle yet I feel like it owns me.

I wanted to close my eyes but forced myself to keep them open. I imagined seeing the same shape lovingly. I heard all the critical voices in my head screaming that there was too much of me. That the space that my thighs, ass, and belly occupy would prevent anyone from ever loving me again or even really wanting to know me. I screamed inwardly for the voices to stop. I lifted my belly (cause, yeah, I can do that) and willed myself to see it differently. I looked at my face, all twisted up in disgust and waited for the moment to end, but it kept on because I had not yet done what I needed to do.

I softened my gaze before finally allowing my eyes to close and stopped myself from snatching up my phone or calling out to the girl-child to have someone to complain to about my unfortunate lack of anything resembling attractiveness or self-esteem. I stopped myself and thought about how I don't want to infect anyone else with my shitty attitude and how it is no one else's job to be my antidote. Then I thought that the last thing my daughter needs is to hear me bitch more about my body image when I am trying to help her feel better about her own. I thought about the fact that it is okay to reach out, but I need to start actively practicing self-love and acceptance instead of running on automatic pilot to anyone and everyone who might provide me with a moments distraction.

I want to stop looking outside of myself for love and validation.

This is pretty basic stuff, territory that has been very well covered, but I'm still working it out. I am still piecing together my 30 day plan-o-action for Radical Unapologetic Healing. In the mean the mean time I intend to address each moment as it comes in the best way that I know how.

Today, my accomplishment is in the absence of action as I refuse to let my daughter hear me utter a single unkind word to or about myself.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-19 01:12 pm


I am having a rough day. I am telling myself that it's okay. I can still turn this day around and make it something positive. I really just want to go back to sleep or lay down and spend the whole day crying and sobbing, but I did that for a very long time and nothing ever got better.

My laptop died and I am having trouble being adaptable. I am worried that I may have lost a bunch of information for my college application and am trying not to catastrophize. Lots of shitty body image thoughts over the last two days and have really just been treading water with that. I haven't gotten much farther than telling myself "that's just bullshit". So, hear goes:

I am a good person.
I have value simply because I exist.
I do not have to be pretty or attractive or beautiful for anyone, but I can be all of these things if I wish.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am smart.
I am kind, compassionate, and loving.
I am more than the sum of my shitty decisions. They do not define who I am. I have every single day to choose to do things differently.
I love myself. Just because. Because I deserve it. Not because of anything I have done or not done, but because I am a living thing with a soul and I deserve good things like everyone else.
My body shape does not define me.
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and no one shape or size is any more or less beautiful. Just different. Some may be more or less pleasing to others, but this is not my concern. What other people think of me is none of my business and it does not effect who I am.
The roundness of my arms, thighs, hips, and belly is soft and lovely and not anything to be ashamed of.
I love myself. Myself I love. I myself love. I love myself.
Over and over and over.

I hope these things begin to feel more true over time.

The next few questions for my RUHCUS project deal with acceptance, honour, and release. They are as follows:

Acceptance is understanding that my shitty body image has served me in some way.

12. List three things you have gained from having a shitty body image.

While I understand the purpose of this exercise I am having a really difficult time figuring out what to put here...

1. I have gained an understanding about the sort of privilege that can go along with being thin or beautiful in ways that are well known and accepted by the majority and even particular sub groups.
There are a number of situations where I am treated differently or completely ignored and I realize that there have been times in my life when I have behaved this way with other people. No one deserves to feel like they are less than and I don't want to be that sort of person.

I am not coming up with any other way that this has served my. I will give it some more thought, but do not want to force it, so I am going to move on for the time being.

Honour allows us to realize that the thing in the box (my shitty body image) was born out of truth. It was something I developed because I needed it for survival.

List two ways having a shitty body image has served you.

1. It has humbled me.
2. It has kept my arrogance and narcissism in check and forced me to accept that other parts of me are just as important, if not more so, than my physical appearance.

List two ways having a shitty body image has protected you.

My therapist insists that it has protected me from certain types of assholes. However, I have managed to not only find, but seek out a number of assholes all by my onesie, so I think that's total crap. She also says that it can be a way of insulating yourself from the rest of the world and while this may be true, I do not feel like this protected me at all as being isolated contributed to extreme feelings of unworthiness and led to want of death.

The only other thing that I can think of to put here is that as having a shitty body image has kept me from participating in a number of situations where danger may or may not have been laying in wait. However, that is pretty slim. Having a shitty body image has not protected me from horrible people as horrible people are often even more interested in folks with self esteem issues as they are often easier to manipulate or control. So, since I don't particularly feel like I have been protected by having a shitty body image I can safely say that I have even more reason to let this shit go.

Release allows us to see that the thing in the box is not serving us anymore and take our power back.

List four things you would do if your shitty body image no longer had power.

1. I would be able to see myself as strong, capable, empowered and beautiful regardless of what my physical appearance may or may not be on any given day. I would understand that my physical representation does not touch the core of who I really am.
2. I would be able to take compliments and pictures and look into mirrors without cringing and verbally abusing my beautiful self.
3. Poetry and roller derby, baby.
4. This one is really hard to acknowledge and admit to, but the point is honesty and transparency, so here goes: I would stop allowing unworthy douchebags into my orbit because I would no longer believe that they are all I deserve. I would know with absolute certainty that I deserve better and would not settle.

I need to take a minute to let that sink in.


So, I had to run around the house and do shit for a bit while I was dealing with the fact that I am mighty. I never really know how long those feelings will last at this juncture, so I have to take advantage of them while I can.

Now we are moving on to the actual ceremony planning bit of this little adventure. I am very much wanting to hear from folks regarding schedules and availability. I would like to do it on a Saturday and am thinking of using the Unitarian Church. There will essentially be two parts to this gathering: ceremonial (symbolic/visual, and tactile. For the ceremonial aspect I am pretty much going to crib off of the example on the worksheet because it just fits so very well.

In a bowl I will have written on separate slips of paper all the reasons I adopted the issue I am wanting healing from: what do I feel like it gave me? What historical pains are attached to it? In the presence of he group I will read aloud each sheet of paper. After each one i will say aloud how it is no longer serving me. I will then pass a basket around and each person in the ceremony will take one of the slips , rip it, while stating that they wish to release me from whatever is on the sheet. Ex:"today I release you from...words of shame that were spoken to you as a teenager. I replace it with a belief that you are whole, vibrant, and loved." Each person in the space will do this in their own words. At the end I will burn the ripped sheets of paper and toast to my journey of healing.

The tactile aspect is going to involve a group art project. We are going to decoupage a mirror and put the power of our positive energy to work making something beautiful to remind myself that I am beautiful every time I use it. We will be using whatever magazines, paper, and other materials we can collectively scrounge up. I am thinking of making this a potluck situation as it would be nice if we could all share some snacks and comfort drinks while honoring, celebrating and playing together.

Now I need to address one last thing. Parts of me are feeling pretty selfish about this part of it, like I am asking too much of my people by asking them to take time out of their lives to show up, support me, bring some food, and make some funky art that only I get to keep. There is part of me that doesn't feel worthy of so much time and attention being focused only on ME. and I think that is part of why I need to do it. To look those feelings in the face, acknowledge them, and counter it with something loving, kind, and compassionate. I need to acknowledge that *I* am just as worthy of those things as everyone else. I have invited all those I love and respect to take part in my self-destruction. Why can't I invite you to be a part of my recovery? I am in no way asking any of you to do the work for me, but I need to be SEEN and I need to be known for something other than my flaws. I would be willing to do this for any one of you. Truthfully, I think I would be willing to do this for a total stranger or someone that I haven't spoken with for years and may not even like. It's that important. So, thank you, again. I still feel selfish. I still feel like an attention whore. and I am still absolutely going to see this through.
thisisdesire: GoddessTara (Default)
2015-02-16 08:51 pm
Entry tags:

The Day After

I woke up with an excess of fatigue today, which is pretty standard for me at this point, but I tried to blame it on all the self analysis of yesterday. I swear, by the time I was finished and had everything posted I was ready to eat my a horse and sleep for twelve hours and today I felt hung over for the first few hours of being awake. It wound up being a fairly productive day.

For the most part.

I caught myself intentionally avoiding mirrors and thinking unkind things at myself today while being out and about. It made me sad because I have not yet put together my plan of attack for how to counteract those horrible behavior patterns. Since I wasn't sure what to do, but I didn't want to just keep hating on myself, I tried to focus on something that made me feel good. It helped for a little while, but I am aware that this is not a long term solution. I think the important thing at this stage is to notice the negative thoughts and behaviors and interrupt them. As I move through this experience, I will come up with concrete positive substitutes, but this will have to work for now.

and it's okay. I'm okay.

In the car with my pretend mom when we left Target, the kiddo started talking about her belly, about how it's big and she doesn't like it. I died. and in my secret zombie form I told her she was beautiful. I reminded her that we are beginning to exercise and eat healthier and that in the mean time we need to find ways to be okay with our bodies the way they are now. It kinda fell flat because I didn't have any ideas on how to go about doing that.

We got dropped off at a friend's house and I asked her and she sent me a link ( so that gives me a place to start, although the article is pretty specific about how to address different things with different genders, which is total bullshit, and also is just rampant with unchecked privilege of the "buy them something to make them feel better" variety. I can still use some of the information as a place to start. I can also watch all the body positive spoken word with her and share the things I learn through this process as they come up.

What I can't do is go back in time and erase all of the times that she heard me say horrible things about myself. I can't go back and force myself out of bed and cook her healthy meals instead of microwave burritos and I can't change the fact that for years we really weren't doing much in the way of physical activity because we were both so used to accommodating my depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I accepted the reality of the world that I created, which was that I was too sick and too broken to be a functional human and take care of us in very basic and very important ways. I taught my daughter how to be kind to every living being, except herself. I really hope that I can find ways to teach her about all of the wonderful things that I fucked up or left out.

I want her to know that she matters.
that she is smart
that she is funny and fun to be around
that she is strong and creative and wonderful
I want her to know that she smells like graham crackers and sunshine and that that smell always makes me smile.
I want her to know that her belly is beautiful and her stretch marks do not diminish her value as a human being.
I want to be able to tell her exactly what to do when she starts to feel bad about herself, but I can't because I haven't gotten that far yet.

I want her to know that I love her and I want that feeling to be contagious.

So, tomorrow I get back to work researching more methods to combat deep-seeded self-loathing and replace it with radical unapologetic self-love. I hope she's paying attention. and I hope some of it rubs off.